Musafirii nepoftici devin un gand-ac !
Priveam de la masa tacerii intreg peisajul din mintea mea incercand in liniste sa cos si descos ganduri.Sa pictez iar si iar cuvinte ce parca pentru mine capata mereu alte sensuri…cand acea liniste a fost intrerupta de un val de cuvinte, propozitii si emotii ce nu le indentificam ca fiind ale mele..
In acel moment m-am ridicat din tacerea mea si am inceput sa inspectez fiecare camera a mintii mele si am ramas surprinsa de cati oameni erau in ea.
Atat de multi incat eu in propria mea casa mentala m-am simtit doar un vizitator ci un proprietarul.
Am vazut fete cunoscute dar si anonimi pe care nu ii puteam schita drept cunoscuti decorand si rearanjand indeei, dorinte si sentimente ce apartineau mintii si sufletului meu. Atunci am realizat cat de putina autenticitate am si cum fiecare idee este de fapt rescrisa in mintea mea de influenta unui musafir ce imi interpretarea proprie si o schimba dupa bunul plac pentru a servi povestii lui.
M-am intrebat atunci cat din tot ce sunt este de fapt autentic si cat este rezultatul acestor oameni ce stau in casa mintii mele . Dar ei sunt acolo cu acordul meu oare ? Si atunci am realizat ca nimeni si nimic nu poate sa patrunda in fiinta mea fara acordul meu si i-am rugat politicos sa plece.
Am simtit cum rand in rand pasii lor care se indreptau spre usa tropaiau si scoteau sunete pline de frustrare, se pare ca isi pierdusera rezidenta .
Un sentiment de mila a inceput sa intre in fiecare camera si pentru prima oara am vazut mirosul si culorile ei, era un sentiment care initial venea cu un miros de primavara incantatoare ca dupa sa miroasa a ceva apasator si acru. Am deschis ferestrele sufletului si am poftit si acest sentiment sa se duca de unde a venit.
Am inceput sa respir si sa simt cum intreaga mea minte a fost acoperita de pace , liniste si calm; Era un sentiment ce putea fi cantat , desenat si dansat in acelasi timp; Incredibil de palpabil dar totusi imposibil de prins in mainile fizice.
Am inceput sa privesc in jur si sa obserb mizeria lasata in urma de musafirii nepoftiti;
Asa ca am decis sa fac curatenia de primavara mentala .
Am adus in locul aspiratorului un peisaj de copaci infloriti, in locul mopului o dupamiaza in soarele bland de primavara la malul marii si am inceput sa simt cum usor praful si mocirla lasata de musafiri a fost curatata.
Cat de frumos e sa faci curat in minte.
Natura este modul prin care gândurile noastre învață să zboare in natura unei existențe perfecte .Aceasta natura arata toate anotimpurile sufletului nostru , vara și soarele ce aduce zambet , primăvară cea in care ne simțim plini de dorința , toamna când stand să privim acele culorii uimitoare de arămiu și galben avem constientizarea calmului intern și iarna atunci că afară e frig dar în suflet cald și bine .
Drobul de sare
Povestea cu drobul de sare a fost una care mi-a stârnit întrebări despre viața mea .
In aceasta poveste , doua femei , nora și soacră plângeau la gândul că un drob de sare pus pe un dulap va cădea și va strivi copilul ce dormea în pătuțul ce era exact langa dulap
Mă întreb la fel ca aceste femei de ce ne trăim la nesfârșit viața în povestea drobului de sare . Identificam problema și totuși cumva ne este mai greu sa mutam drobul imaginar de sare din viața noastră decât orice alt efort care îl facem zi de zi plângându-ne existența tulburată de evenimente ce pot fi atât de ușor schimbate .
Spun acum aceste lucruri cu lejeritate dar până nu demult făceam și eu parte din grupul bocitoarelor , luând fiecare problema din viața mea la analiza continua dar fara a avea intenția de a schimba ceva . Am observat că atunci când frustrarea cauzata de un cerc în care simțeam că viața mea se învârte începeam să caut oameni cu probleme similare în viața mea pe care ii bârfeam cu fiecare ocazie , incercand sa maschez mizeria de sub covorul meu , simtindu-ma cumva mai bine in legătură cu propria mea mizerie când făcand asta .
Am inceput un proces cu mine . Devenind cea care și-a dorit să de-a sinelui meu un exemplu în care sa fiu inculpat , avocat , procuror si judecător . Astfel sub ochii mei natura a devenit sala de judecată , cerul juriul și eu eram toți cei 4 ..aparandu-ma , condamnând ce sunt și stand în tacere privind judecătorul din mine .
Am decis după acest proces sa reabilitez tot ce sunt , să înțeleg , să ascult și să accept . O data cu aceasta acceptare un drob de sare a fost înlăturat , o mare enigma a fost deslușită … lumea bârfei.Am înțeles că fiecare cuvânt urât spus de altcineva este doar o autoanaliza. Am decis sa îmi accept caracterizarea și să schițez noi trăsături pictând un nou inceput .
Reabilitarea a fost acceptată . Judecatorul din mine a zâmbit , avocatul a simțit succesul , procurorul a înțeles că uneori a pierde e cea mai mare victorie iar inculpatul a simțit cum în mâinile lui sunt cheile unui nou inceput .
Privind acum de mana cu trecutul simt cum viitorul se înfățișează in culorile divine ale creatiei .
Mă gândeam des cat de mult în relații vrem sa schimbam ceva la cel cu care ne intersectam , un milion de moduri de al face mai bun sau mai pe placul nostru , fiecare schimbare dorita spre exterior este una imensa in noi .
Am decis recent sa pun aceasta ipoteza în testul realității și am constientizat că fiecare schimbare de pe lista partenerului pe care eu o voiam era una de care esență mea avea și mai multă nevoie .
Am luat cu grija caietul și am început să trec tot în dreptul meu . Atunci am început sa simt cu adevărat liniste , furtuna a început să fie una a schimbării .
Relatiile sunt ca bautura si Sticla
In aceste zile frumoase cu soare si natura ce revine pentru a ne arata frumusetea ciclului de renastere, am decis sa scot din barul vietii mele sticlele relatiilor.
Am inceput sa vad ce as vrea sa beau si ce nu pentru ca mi-am dat seama ca ma simteam infometata de a bea nu de a manca.
Uitadu-ma la Barul meu mental am inceput sa vad diferite bautauri ce se asemanau atat de mult cu relatiile de famile, iubire sau prietenie care le-am avut pana acum . Am simtit ca e momentul sa fac inventarul si sa raman doar cu ce sufletul meu vreau sa consume.
Am luat in mana o sticla minunata, de culoarea nisipului ce continea in ea un lichior tare si ametitor, am simtit cum din toate sticlele m-a atras cel mai mult, asemenea unei Fete Morgana in destern. Aveam in mana sticla iluziei de mai bine in relatii. Si am gustat. Gustul era nici amar dar nici dulce, era un gust ce parca avea de toate dar in final nimic special. Si tot beam din sticla si am inteles ca nu avea nici un efect, nici de a potoli setea si nici de a ameti mintea.
Atunci in fata mea ecranul mental a pornit si am inceput sa vad persoane din familia mea,, prieteni sau fosti iubiti ce se asemanau cu sticla si cu continutul ei. Acele persoane care vand iluzia de a potoli o sete sufleteasca doar folosind cuvinte dar pleaca atunci cand este ceruta actiunea. Iar apoi in secunde in fata mea am vazut ca acei oameni erau ceva din mine. Si eu la randul meu am fost la fel. Nu m-am tinut de promisiunile de a ajunge la timp la o intalnire, am spus ca voi savarsi multe dar in final nimic, mi-am dat cuvantul pentru a indeplini lucruri si nu mi l-am tinut pana la final.
Am luat sticla si am pus-o in cutia de reciclat. Atunci am observat cum aproape tot barul s-a golit sub privirea mea plina de surprindere.
Am inteles pentru prima oara ce inseamna jocul de domino si acel efect in lant care poate determina o schimbare reala.
M-am apucat atunci sa sterg praful , sa rearanjez sticlele ramase si sa las locul gol pentru a crea mental alte sticle si alte bauturi.
The game of feelings
I realized late that I was spinning in a vicious circle of feelings, not understanding why I kept rewriting the piece of my life but I was playing the same piece. A song in which I held my hand with 3 essential feelings that kept undressing from them but remained in the same essence . I was watching this piece where only the spectators were laughing . That was the movie of my life . One which made the audience laugh at the limp with which I was carrying my life … yes. I did not live it, but life lived me according to established schedule in which day by day I met these 3 main feelings: jealousy, hatred and gossip.
Every time I watched from the room the life of another, a total feeling of frustration and sighing engulfed me seeing the success of that person because no matter how much i look for success in me, jealousy dresses again with its specific nuances: frustration, sighing, trouble, sadness, fear of not being good enough or of fear of abandoned.
And I was wondering if this feeling can somehow be changed in light ?
It was then that I understood that admiration has the nuances of acceptance , of understanding on a personal level of the essence and cooperation . And I decided to pretend .. to pretend to admire . Until I was left with only two of the two feelings of the past and with a new one : admiration . Then, as if by magic, admiration began to be authentic and invited friends into my life: contentment, love, peace and prosperity. Then the hatred felt unused for too long and left with all nuances: soberness, envy and pessimism. Took with it a dear friend , gossip .
I felt somehow incomplete and alone without these feelings , a part of me seemed dry and I felt empty . That’s when I understood the art of talking about someone in his absence… I understand that there can also be situations in which another man can make me feel in an unpleasant way but that I can talk about the situation and stop saying all kinds of inappropriate words dressed in the feeling of unpleasant moment . So that void was filled with something so beautiful and natural the art of communication .
Routine, such a monotonous word. It sounds like everything that is devoid of brightness, it seems a dusty word that brings into our lives only boredom. But isn’t the routine turned into a program and a new acquired reflex actually brilliant?
We continue to make repetitive actions day by day. If we analysed our daily schedule we would realize that it is a weaving of actions that we do every day .. and all the magic is in being able to get out of the pattern of routine and create another . Is it easy? No! So routine is as beneficial as it is harmful. Being taught to run day by day for 30 minutes is a routine full of benefits and so is a routine to drink a glass of brandy at dawn. In both situations our brain knows a program. In the first example, the body is charged with energy and ready to continue a life full of meaning and in the second that person runs away from all that reality can offer by bringing the dark clouds to take over the freshness of the morning. The question is how can the first one introduce a single element of the new routine to recreate a new life ? How?
The café shop looks like a story of yesteryear brought to the world today. The light-colored tables, the flowers placed with care and skill on each table and the light that caressed that scene as if they were all talking about a meeting that would be the beginning of a beautiful lesson, all this imagine was amazing and made anyone looking at it , feel joyfull and happy.
I saw that waiting in the café shop a beautifully contoured silhouette of a woman dressed in such an impeccable style that r magazines could be inspired by everything she represented. It was an authentic simplicity and a deep understanding of her unique and personal style that really delighted me, in my soul then I was able to mentally go into the garden of my mind and water the Tree of admiration that I had just planted.
We both sat down at the table and ordered a coffee. Looking for a few moments in the eyes we let the thoughts gather in a group like a sphere of idea that was beginning to dance around us.
-I accepted the invitation and I was really very curious to meet you, I said trying to hide the emotion in my voice.
-Thank you , came the answer accompanied by a subtle smile.
-I wanted you to tell me if it is true ? I asked.
-If you have a truth that you consider part of your reality, then yes, it is true!
-So you are the one who did not sign the documents so that I can receive the diploma ? I asked with a feeling of joy in my voice awakening sadness in her face.
-Yes , I am , she replied looking at me .
-I came here to thank you !
That’s when I watched her whole face light up and a sense of confidence began to dance around us like an old friend we hadn’t seen for millenniums.
-What do you mean ? I thought this meeting was about presenting your project in order to receive the diploma? she responded with indignation but also a sense of wonder.
-I consider that all these wonderful lessons sent me to a place of my soul where I had to plant and replant feelings. Your decision brought me to the surface a teacher who has now taken on another shade by teaching me new things.
-What do you mean ?
I felt from her question that she understood my imaginary play of feelings but that somewhere she wanted my direct interpretation.
-I understand the sabotage . Through gestures seemingly full of love and understanding but with the intention of sabotaging a plan or a dream, sabotage is a feeling to be understood. Sabotage is a subtlety of a behaviour that we accept from others and seems well-intentioned but hides a completely different reality. Like when a friend brings you your favourite cakes at the exact moment you start a diet. From this sabotage that was part of the feeling with which I grew up in the bosom of my family, self-sabotage was born, so every relationship, project or road to success of mine ends in The Art of Failure. This art being the only one that made me feel AT HOME. So thank you, when the answer was unacceptable, I turned to myself scared and I wanted to feel at home, there I saw the reality created by me, one in which I will always receive rejections because this sabotage was the main conductor in my mental music recital.
-So you tell me that mentally you designed your failure to feel at home?
That’s when I felt that everything I had thought was coherent and correct.
-Yes , I think I did !
-And what would it be like to design success?
-I do not know , remains to be seen.
We looked with enthusiasm understanding that even a seemingly negative action of the other can bring to the surface a real Treasure- Wisdom.
Wisdom is an incredible skill that can transform everything and everything around.
Little by little the colours of infinity were restored and the painting returned to state of peace. As he looked to the path of the heart, he took down his crown, understanding for the first time that the nobility of the blue blood comes from the inner power of dreaming and the dream becomes the cord through which we are reborn in the absolute and in the eternal with all that belongs to us in absolute detachment.
Anything external that causes adoration is just an internal myth that must be discerned as in a child’s play. The simplicity of a one-glance experience means everything.
When you truly understand the Universal symbols you can make explicit the simplest language without words through actions- the language that still has the primordial power of creation and the uniqueness of constant discovery, of the amazement of the divine gift called life-Childhood.
Bringing the indoctrinated Adult to the steps of a child born towards immortality, is a unitary whole and the adult’s unique chance to understand that we are creators of the personal universe. When we realize that from the apparent nymph we can give birth to an even more perfect ourselfs version, which through innocent games teaches us the totality of life.
Those who understood immortality first are the teachers who opened their eyes astonished just like the playful and immortal eyes of those who brought with them the higher self- The indigo children gave their hands to diamond children and recreated themselves to the completion of eternity.
And when you really want to change the world, you go back home and love your family.
Every child is the chance of salvation, therefore They should not be regarded with ignorance and superiority but on the contrary with the astonishment of the perfection that lies within us and manifests itself in our eyes.
Being a parent is heaven’s most beautiful job. One that once understood opens the gates of heaven and lets the demons take the wings of the angels not to cut them off but to truly transform.
For no demon is anything but a feeling in our subconscious that has remained unloved. He who loves primordial love above the profane self can descend into the deepest abyss and climb the ladder of heaven in seconds because Nothing can achieve everything, he is chained in a magical dance of eternity forming that ying and yang of the office of adjustments
Those who invite you to see their face but not their soul, their eyes but not their essence. Those who have understood in the dust of bygone millennia that any Empary has his heyday, the period of fall and the period in which the God of the earth is revived.
Many have said to these angels of karma in many ways, I have chosen to call the Unforgetable or Ya Kuza.
Lost in Safari !
Rebirth during life is far more painful than all the deaths gathered in themselves. It is the choice of the best version in us. A single action in us that seems to tear us apart and dismantles us only to be reborn to what our soul longs to experience. A new life in life that we already have now and here.
To die but to live with your eyes open for becoming is the same as you should be the doctor, the midwife and the anesthesiologist, the mother and the child during childbirth. But in this play you become all these characters . And birth turns from trauma into a joy . The transformation process after is the real miracle in which you become your own parent. You grow up, you take out of yourself everything you have been taught up to that moment and you authentically heal every wound and scar left by the ancestors who brought into the soul of the parents conceptions that are now useless.
I was reborn in understanding love because loving for myself has always been drama and hopelessness. I always felt like I was the wolf at the lions’ table. Never chosen by the one I wanted, rejected because although maybe I was the most beautiful specimen of my race I was not naturally compatible with a lion. A lion looking for something else in a partner than a wolf would look for. I was struggling to prove like a she-wolf, loyalty, devotion and love for the partner that I crave to be with me in the projects of my life without realizing that I was always offering all this to a lion, the one who by nature needs more lionesses and my fidelity and loyalty to him were useless.
Reborn in understanding love I began to understand that in the family I saw a she-wolf at the lions’ table. Warm, gentle and always there for her partner who was always looking for another partner. That was for me the normality I was looking for from a man – rejection.
And always whatever I was doing was more than I should for the right partner but for that one in my life I was always too ugly, bad and totally unfeminine this until I started to feel my true nature, I had no place running after antelopes in Safari, my place was at home in the woods waiting for the evenings with the full moon to look at them with the eyes of my soul.
And then I understood that I am enough, I am quite beautiful, of intelligence and of woman for the one who is part of my race, for the one who is looking for me what I am looking for in him.
I let the lion go into his world and I smiled from my world.
I came home, the she-wolf lost in Safari back in the forests with the full moon .
Leave a Reply